My New Job Title
I recently went to the dentist. This was my first visit to this particular dentist. I stopped going to my old dentist because they were repeatedly mean to me. First it was because I was late to an appointment, then because I don't floss enough, then all sorts of other atitude filled incidents in which they admonished my personal dental care. When did dentists and doctors get this unwritten permission slip to tell their patients how to live their lives? I don't need to pay someone to tell me I need to brush my molars more carefully. I just need them to quietly drill the hole and fill it with whatever soon-to-be discovered carcinogen that they tell me is bubble-gum flavoured. But I digress.
As per usual first doctor visits there's a standard form to fill out. All sorts of questions about health related issues and other personal data. I often wonder if anyone really looks at the things that get filled in or if they just look at the AIDS, Hep B, or other items that fall under the category of "Will I die by putting my fingers in this guy's mouth?" Most of these forms are out of date, poorly xeroxed from the the mid-90's original, and lack any understanding of how much space people actually use to write. But they are a necessary evil, I suppose, especially when you see the mountain of records stacked on the wall.
Among the insurance and other personal data sections on these forms are a part that inquires about the patient's employee information. This has always been a challenge for me. As a freelancer, I might be working for my employer for only a few weeks or days. Or I might have several employers at once. I usually just leave the section blank, especially since I usually only go to the doctor when I'm not working. Such was the case this past week. When I came to the line asking for my Job Title (note there is nowhere on the form to mention that you are unemployed), I decided to put "Baby Daddy." I find "homemaker" is somewhat antiquated and makes me feel somehow diminished, although it's probably more accurate for what I'm doing now. What else do you call someone raising a baby, cooking meals and baking regularly, and trying to clean a few things around the house each day? Someone smarter than me needs to come up with a new term. A sexier, sportier version of "homemaker." I mean, it's not like I wear an apron.
It wasn't until a few days after this that I found the thing that my job title will be from now on. It came to me after seeing a piece of graffiti on a subway ad for the TV show Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency that said "Obama Bin Laden Oreo Terrorist." I've decided to reclaim the word terrorist. From now on, if anyone asks what my job title is, I'm going to tell them I'm a terrorist. There's too many people that actually believe someone like Barack Obama could really be a terrorist or that every Muslim in the world is one. In my ongoing effort to make the douchebags of the world get their heads out of their asses, I am now an official terrorist. Be warned.
As per usual first doctor visits there's a standard form to fill out. All sorts of questions about health related issues and other personal data. I often wonder if anyone really looks at the things that get filled in or if they just look at the AIDS, Hep B, or other items that fall under the category of "Will I die by putting my fingers in this guy's mouth?" Most of these forms are out of date, poorly xeroxed from the the mid-90's original, and lack any understanding of how much space people actually use to write. But they are a necessary evil, I suppose, especially when you see the mountain of records stacked on the wall.
Among the insurance and other personal data sections on these forms are a part that inquires about the patient's employee information. This has always been a challenge for me. As a freelancer, I might be working for my employer for only a few weeks or days. Or I might have several employers at once. I usually just leave the section blank, especially since I usually only go to the doctor when I'm not working. Such was the case this past week. When I came to the line asking for my Job Title (note there is nowhere on the form to mention that you are unemployed), I decided to put "Baby Daddy." I find "homemaker" is somewhat antiquated and makes me feel somehow diminished, although it's probably more accurate for what I'm doing now. What else do you call someone raising a baby, cooking meals and baking regularly, and trying to clean a few things around the house each day? Someone smarter than me needs to come up with a new term. A sexier, sportier version of "homemaker." I mean, it's not like I wear an apron.
It wasn't until a few days after this that I found the thing that my job title will be from now on. It came to me after seeing a piece of graffiti on a subway ad for the TV show Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency that said "Obama Bin Laden Oreo Terrorist." I've decided to reclaim the word terrorist. From now on, if anyone asks what my job title is, I'm going to tell them I'm a terrorist. There's too many people that actually believe someone like Barack Obama could really be a terrorist or that every Muslim in the world is one. In my ongoing effort to make the douchebags of the world get their heads out of their asses, I am now an official terrorist. Be warned.
I just went to the gynecologist this morning. Talk about invasive questionnaires. I swear my gyn knows more about me than anyone else on the face of the earth; luckily she and I get along.
Your new job title will certainly get attention. When people see I'm a children's librarian on those forms, they often go, "Oh, that must be so nice!" in the exact same voice people who don't know how to talk to children use when they're talking to children, like I must be simple.
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I completely understand your frustration but perhaps you could have waited a week to announce your new job title, you are flying here after all and the feds already seem a little touchy about your opinions. I suggest Domestic God, Home Creator, or the old stand-by that gets me out of having to stay at school during a disaster- Primary Caregiver. I also get questions, flack, or amazement when I mention my job-title although at work I frequently point out I only "pretend" to teach. The only person that really bothered me when she found out my job was Lucas's kindergarten teacher because she became hostile and condescending and well I don't deal well with that, as you can see I still detest her.
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Yeah, I figure my status on the do no fly list should make me reconsider this stance. Much as I'm into hyperbolic political gesturing, I like to travel a lot more.
I'm not sure I could get away with Home Creator, since I didn't really create the home. Domestic God might be taken as blasphemous by some, plus I'd rather be International God. And Primary Garegiver is a little too bland and clinical for my taste. But those are all good suggestions. It's a start.
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Professional Man of Mystery (MOM).
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Before I started working in California, I called myself "Director of Domestic Affairs."
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